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I thought I was normal…

I tried a long time to figure out a good title for this article, but truth is that I was thinking about the title before officially putting those words on paper, so it’s probably not the easiest way to go. The truth is that even though I didn’t write down the article yet, I already know what it will be about so what’s the truth then, I really don’t know or maybe it’s not that relavant in the end. Wow that a lot of words to say almost nothing. But aren’t books and stories coming up from nothing? Anyways let’s stop this nonsense pseudo philosophical bullshit.

I saw my psychologist to do some EMDR on Friday, and since then I have been thinking a lot and walking around with no goal in order to think even more. Walking is really the best way to think deeply about things, it reminds me a class of philosophy I had in 2010 while in my last year of highschool, the teacher was telling us about Aristotle for whom walking facilitates talking – and, presumably, thinking. When i rethink things, I have super precise memory of whatever happened in the past. I can relate things with such details, that it’s almost scary sometimes, I wonder if my memory has a limit like a drive would have, or is it the biggest cloud storage. Sorry, once again I get lost in new ideas I have while thinking about one thing in particular.

According to some I would be some high potential or whatever, I never felt smart, I mean, if I would, wouldn’t I be able to make things more easy in my life, and I mean work or study wise ? I have a true lack of confidence, even though with the years I have acquired quite a lot of experience of many different situation which makes me much wiser that I have ever been, I think. I don’t think intelligence can be quantified by some test of some sort, and I really don’t want to do the wais iv. What hurts me the most when I do a test, whenever it’s in a magazine or in a more serious environment, I can predict where this is going depending on what I would answer which makes it truly really hard to answer with honesty what I think is the best solution or the right answer to the question.

My intelligence, whatever it would be scored at, as nothing to do with like the super smart kids like in mercury rising or anything like that. I don’t think I am smart or anything, it’s more like able to analyse a situation and chose the outcome. I wouldn’t say either that I have good social skills, I was always having trouble to make friends when younger and even today it’s not easy. But with years I have learned a lot and was able to still meet some great people. They probably accept my weirdness or maybe they don’t even notice anything. We always tend to overthink the way people look at us but in the end there is nothing.

My only thought would be that if I was really dumb or very average I would not be trying to write about it and would prefer to go to a bar or watch some tv reality show? I don’t know.

My fiancée (big news I know 🙂 ) recently said I have weird passions. Well, I really don’t think I am the only one doing it like I do, I am probably not exceptional or anything? For example, I usually have new passions about a subject, and I will dig into it like crazy and read and watch everything I find interesting to learn about the subject. When i almost know everything there is to know, I usually get bored of it and switch to something new. The last month I had a passion about how the zinc is carved onto the roofs of most old Paris buildings, the guys taking care of these roofs are so passionate about their work and they used the same technics as it as always been. It’s really a beautiful art, and I would have probably like to do this job but at the same time I would have reached the limits quite fast I think. I had a recent passion for cave diving, while being scared about snorkeling and caves.

In fact this brings me to one of my biggest challenge in professional life, I tend do to the same as for passions, and I dig and learn and experience everything and at some point I reach the limits of my job itself. Which had been a problem in the past because I would have ideas and find out about things that would get ugly in the next months but people would always tell me that it’s over my paygrade to think about those things. I use to not understand the boundaries, now with experience and therapy I am much more able to apprehend and see the limits of a job in particular, and in the end I just refrain from trying to know more or giving any of my ideas.

The best example I can think about is how I got my contract not renewed at a famous german neobank… For months I had been spotting problems which would dangerously affect the future of this company and I think my management felt threatened in the way by things they would not be able to understand. It was a painful time, my only enjoyment about this is that months later they found out that there was in fact a major problem affecting balances of many customers accounts…

I wish I could use my sort of intelligence in a better way sometimes, so since last Friday I have been thinking what I could try to do or to create or to write about. It’s pretty hard to know. I am happy in my last job, the team is very nice and caring. There is a true sense of selflessness and just for that I love it so much.

Anyway this story is probably super painful to read so I guess no one will reach this point. It does feel good to put things on paper sometimes, it’s quite relaxing. If you are a reader of this blog, you probably noticed a new layout, I like the violet one, but I prefer a white background, like in a book. I have been playing on and off with the Chinese censorship, I spotted my article about the fear of flying was referenced on baidu so on the very last article I said true things about China and … I am not referenced anymore. I must say they are pretty effective.

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